Hey friends! It’s been a hot minute since I updated y’all, and its because God has been doing some really big things in my life, in my team, and in the people we are doing life with here.
Today I want to tell you a story about how God uses our gifts in ways that go beyond our process and understanding. This here is a strange and humbling lesson to be learning right now and I would love to invite you to ask the Lord if He desires for you to step into it as well.
On Wednesday nights we participate in one of the many ministries here. It is called Aaguapanela and it is a ministry where we go into the government sanctioned streets for the homeless and we hand out bread and sugar water. We tell them about the rehab program here at Ciudad, give them a pamphlet with the phone number and address, and we put it in their pockets to find the next day. We do that because most individuals are not sober, as they are trying to combat hunger and sleep deprivation and they have been taught that drugs are the best way to do that.
My heart was heavy and somber as I prepared to go out, this being my first time really ministering on the street. Shelby and I left the trucks to talk to people, her speaking some Spanish, me speaking hardly any. We told people we had bread and water, pointed them in the direction, handed out information about Ciudad, and prayed over the streets and people we were seeing. My heart continued to become heavier as I walked. People would try to talk to me and I would ask them to wait just a minute so that Shelby could translate, and it left me feeling helpless. How could I minister to the souls here if I couldn’t even find a way to speak with them?
After a few minutes of being on the street, we went back to the truck to help hand out food and water. When we arrived, almost all of the places where people were needed had been taken. I just stood by the truck and handed supplies to those who were giving food to the people. Again, I felt overwhelming despair at how useless my task seemed to be. People would come to me and ask for things, and there was nothing I could do because I couldn’t understand what they were asking me. I would smile, nod, and wait for someone who spoke Spanish to come talk to them, and then I would take a back seat again. I looked around and watched the connections and conversations others were having. People praying over others, handing out papers and earnestly inviting those on the street to come hear about the program, and simply having conversations.
I stood there, blankly watching scenes unfold in front of me, and I felt so distant from people who were within arms reach. A short little woman, someone I had seen going around to others in the group, came up to me and she grabbed my hand. Sadly, it took me a minute to even realize that someone was there. When I looked, she had my hand and was just rubbing it along her face saying “bless you, your hand is so hot”. She just wanted to feel the warmth of someone cradling her face. After a few minutes, she ran off to find someone else. I continued to watch her, a little absently, and her mannerisms. She could not stand still to save her life, and many people couldn’t understand what she was saying because it was strung together by words that didn’t really make sense. But I also notice anyone she came up to would break out in a smile or laughter because she brought so much joy with how she interacted. She found her way back to me and again grabbed my hand. I expected her to cradle her face in it once more, but instead she wrapped it around her body, her way of requesting a hug from me. I stood there, holding her for a moment, and it was the only time I noticed her being still. But, unfortunately, I was still so focused on my inability to connect with people, that I wasn’t fully focused on being there with her. Seems strange to go somewhere to minister and be too focused on your heart that you can’t see those craving connection.
Before we left, one of the church leaders turned to me and asked me to sing a song. I opened my mouth and the song Tremble began to pour out. Again, I was so focused on what I couldn’t offer, that I wasn’t even listening to the words I was singing. I felt that since I couldn’t sing in Spanish, then what was the point of my singing in the street? Most of the people with us were Spanish speakers and almost everyone on the street were Spanish speakers, so how the heck was a song sung in English supposed to minister to anyone? I was overwhelmed and disappointed that I was unable to use a gift given to me by God to lead others to Him in that moment. What I failed to remember though, and often forget, is that God works beyond our process and our understanding to use us to bring others into His presence.
The following morning I was talking to a friend at breakfast. As I sat there in tears, talking about how I felt unusable and how I felt helpless and how I was heart broken, she challenged me to flip the script. She said “Ask God how He moved and worked in your interactions yesterday, because I can assure you they were not meaningless. I can tell you that when you began singing, the man standing next to me had tears streaming down his face. He understood English and the song you felt you shouldn’t be proclaiming was how God chose to touch his soul and bring him into the Fathers presence.” Talk about being wrecked. And immediately the Lord spoke to me and asked “When will you start trusting that what I am doing goes beyond what you are feeling?”.
The gift of singing and leading others in worship is from the Father Himself. On Wednesday night I failed to remember that, and I also forgot that He often uses the gifts He’s given me in ways that I cannot see. Even in being too focused on where I was emotionally that I couldn’t connect with the woman who kept coming to me, God chose to use me to touch her. I did not have control over how God met her in that moment, but He picked me as a vessel. In using me, He calls me to trust that what He is doing is bigger than what I can imagine.
While worshipping last night, God asked me three questions that lead to me better understanding how He wants to use me and my gift. I challenge you to sit in the stillness with Him and ask these questions. He wants to take you deeper, to know you more intimately, but He asks you to step out and meet Him. He desires for you to crave a deeper understanding, and when you do, He will faithfully walk along side you to answer your questions.
- What have I missed that you are doing because I am too focused on what I can see and feel?
- What is an area that I need to trust you more in?
- Where are you asking me to step out in obedience that you can begin to transform that piece of me?
