I recently realized something that wrecked my faith. But first, let me start by saying, my relationship with the Lord has been my own for quite some time now. Really, since about 14 or 15, my parents God has been my God. He has not simply been a being in the sky, someone I was taught to believe in so I consequently did, but God has been my God. He has been present. He has been faithful. He has been gracious. And He has been so, so good. But, despite Him being mine, despite our relationship being personal and not simply religion, despite His unfailing presence and faithfulness, I have never fully known how to approach him. With things that everyone struggles with, I could approach Him and cry to Him. With poor decisions I had made, I could brokenly cry to Him. With joy I could approach Him and talk to Him freely. But when it came to things outside of my control, I could never really speak to Him freely. I couldn’t talk to Him about the years of pain I had felt at the hand of someone I loved, but had seemingly ruined me. I couldn’t talk to Him about the pain that came with my relationship with my mother. In the same way I could never bridge a conversation of pain and hurt with my mom, I could not bridge a conversation with my God about the pain and hurt I had towards Him. I didn’t know how to be angry at Him or connect with Him on a deeper level. And still, every time I turned to Him for something small, He was there waiting. That often made me more angry and upset because I never understood how or why. Until this year.
I came face to face with why I could never fully approach His thrown. For years, in the back of my head, I have believed God is a passive God. That He indifferently watches things happen in my life and doesn’t make any move to help me. I believed that He felt pain for me but never very deeply. Not enough to come to my aid, to answer my cry, to save me from the hopelessness I felt. And the moment I truly realized that this is what I believed about my God, rather than running to Him with questions and listening for His answers, I ran as far in the opposite direction as I could. I was so angry with Him. So angry I wanted to scream and hit Him and I put all blame for anything I could on Him. I had never felt anger like that towards anyone, let alone God.
In a race to see how far I could get from His condescending gaze, a race against my former self who had run before, I tried to rewrite everything I could. Things that had been covered in pain, I tried to cover in new, Quynn-narrated words. I began by saying yes to every choice I had said no to because I wanted to make God happy. I attempted to find happiness in every corner I could find. I began making choices, not necessarily because I wanted to do them, but I wanted to make God as angry at me as I was at Him. I wanted to make Him feel the same pain I felt in what I believed was His passiveness and indifference to my hurt. Just as I wanted to yell at God, I wanted Him to grab me by the shoulders and yell at me. I wanted to have a tangible, real, face – to – face screaming match with God. Ask me how that worked for me 🙂
Every time I turned the past few months, He was patiently and faithfully waiting for me to return. Each time I wanted Him to have His hand raised, ready to backhand me across the face, He lovingly whispered ‘ I am here when you are ready to come back”. And here is what I have found to be true: being angry, having a screaming match, and hitting me isn’t in His nature. He won’t come down to the level of having a screaming match with me. He will simply love me. He will not slap me, He will simply allow my choices to come back and kick my butt until I realize I will find no real joy outside of Him. Patiently, faithfully, He waits until I am ready. And y’all, here’s the thing: it isn’t a one time circumstance. He never gets tired of loving me. He never gets sick of waiting for me to return. He never tires of offering me grace and new beginnings again and again.
Scripture says God is a jealous God, He is a faithful God, He is a gracious God, He is a loving God, and He is anything but passive. Time and time again He has proven that, if we will simply open our eyes to see Him. How beautiful to serve a God who is far from anything we have ever experienced here on earth, and will ever experience aside from Him. I praise God that He never tires of me, even when I do everything I can to try to force Him to.
I will never be worthy of proclaiming the Gospel on my own. But, I am so thankful that Jesus’ ministry on earth was not spent with those who thought they were ‘worthy’. Instead, when I humble myself to His name, His love, and His grace, He makes me WORTHY of sharing His great name. I get chills thinking about it because it is simply the most beautiful thing I can never comprehend. The fact that He has empowered me to go to those who have not experienced Him, to share with them the beauty of His name. How stinkin’ amazing.
If you know me, you know I love the song Defender by Rita Springer and I think it wonderfully dissolves the fear of our God being a passive God. The bridge says it beautifully and engulfs what God does for me again and again. If you have ever walked through feeling like God is distant and passive, look at what scripture says is true of His character. You will find lists of attributes, and praise Him that passivity is never once mentioned. Repeat His characteristics over and over again until you believe them once again. He is good, and He is awaiting your return with open arms.
-Q
“when I thought I lost me,
You knew where I left me,
You reintroduced me to your love.
You picked up all my pieces,
put me back together,
You are the defender of my heart.
